ONLY IN TEXAS

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ONLY IN TEXAS     

    This page is dedicated to all Texans, used-to-be Texans, adopted

Texans or wanna-be Texans:

 

 

Background for this video sung by A&M Men's Chorus

This could only come from a guy.  And are you surprised it's Johnny Crowell?
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman.  He grew up big, 6’ 2”, strong as a longhorn and fast as a mustang.  He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally came of age, he applied to the only place he had ever dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff’s Department.

After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.
The Chief Deputy said, “You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an “Attitude Suitability Test” that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don’t let anyone carry our badge, son.”
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, “Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six politicians, and a rabbit.”
“Why the rabbit?” queried the applicant.                          
“You pass,” said the Chief Deputy. “When can you start?”

Thanks, Barry, for the following signs:

                        

  

 

 
THINGS I LEARNED
 LIVING IN
           
 

A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Texas.

 

 



There are 10,000 types of spiders.  All 10,000 of them live in Texas, plus a couple no one's seen before.

 

If it grows, it'll stick ya.
If it crawls, it'll bite ya.



Onced & Twiced are words.
 

People actually grow, eat and like okra.

Fixinto is one word.
 

There is no such thing as lunch.  There is only dinner and then there's supper.
 

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.
 

  Y'all is plural.  Y'all's is plural possessive.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
You only own five spices:
salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco & ketchup.

 

The local paper covers national & international news on one page, but requires 6 pages for local high school sports, the motor sports & gossip.
 
Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss (first name) or Mr.(first name).
 

You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
 

You know what a hissy fit is.

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

 

 

Thanks for the material, Barry

36 REASONS TO LOVE

1. To all the people who think Texas is a desert wasteland, how many deserts look like this?


Sequin, Texas

2. Or have natural pools like this?

Dripping Springs, Texas

 
3. As for being dry?  Much of Texas is the opposite of that.

Uncertain, Texas
4. It has everything from flowing streams....

Gruene, Texas

 
5. To scenic rivers....

San Marcos, Texas
6. To captivating waterfalls....

McKinney State Park, Austin, Texas

 
7. And massive city lakes.


Austin, Texas

 
8. Even the swamps are pretty.

Uncertain, Texas

 
9. Nothing beats a sunrise in the bayou.

Needville, Texas

 
10. Or the wildlife

Damon, Texas

 
11. Contrary to popular belief. Texas isn't flat, either.  It has enormous rocks.

Enchanted Rock, Texas

 
12. Along with deep, cutting canyons.

Big Bend, Texas

 
13. Photo worthy mountaintop sunsets.

Big Bend, Texas

 
14. The views are worth the climb.

Big Bend, Texas

 
15. Only in Texas will you find amazing colonies of BATS above ground......

Austin, Texas
16. And vast beauty below.

San Antonio, Texas

 
17. People say the state does not have seasons.  They could not be more wrong.

Vanderpool, Texas

 
18. It has colorful foliage in the fall....

Wichita Falls, Texas

 
19. Long, covered walking trails in the spring.

Needville, Texas

 
20. Beautiful swimming holes to cool yourself off in the summer.

Wimberly, Texas

 
21.  And every once in a while a mysterious white powder falls from the sky in the winter.

North Richland Hills, Texas
22. Fog is not just something you see in London ~ Texas has its fair share of mystic haze.

Austin, Texas

 
23. Along with epic storms.

Dallas, Texas

 
24. Really epic storms.

Vega, Texas
 
25. Don't forget about the 367 miles of coastline.

Port Aransas, Texas

 
26. You can catch an amazing sunset.

Seabrook, Texas

 
27. Have a lighthouse show you the way.

Pt. Bolivar, Texas

 
28. Remember, nothing comes close to the beauty of the coast.

Galveston, Texas

 
29. Oh, Texas has deserts, too, and they're awesome.

Chihuahuan Desert, Texas
 
30. They have their own version of wildlife.
31. And select pieces of high-end art.

Marfa, Texas

 
32. The Lone Star State is known for its rolling plains.

Silverton, Texas
 
33. With amber waves of grain.

Vega, Texas
 
34. Where nothing goes to waste.

Amarillo, Texas (Cadillac Ranch)

 
35. Few things match the beauty of a Texas evening.

Lago Vista, Texas

 
36. The stars at night truly are big and bright.

Gillespie, Texas
 
So wherever your travels may take you.....

Mason County, Texas

 
Hopefully, one day they'll lead you (back) here.

Austin, Texas

Y'all come to the
50th 55th!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

      

                             

 


                 Texas Cow Wash

 

 

 

 

                      

 

 The Boy from Texas

 A man walked into his local grocery store and asked to buy a half head of lettuce.  The boy working in that department told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce.  The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some jackass wants to buy a half head of lettuce."  As he finished, he turned to find the man standing behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.  Later the mgr. said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.  We like people who think on their feet here.  Where are you from, son?"

"Texas, sir, " the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Texas?" the mgr. asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but skanks and football players there."

"Really?" said the mgr.  "My wife is from Texas."

"Get outta here!" the boy said.  "Who'd she play for?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A   Texas  Blessing

 
 

Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry.

Please keep it cool in mid-July.

Bless the walls where termites dine,

While ants and roaches march in time.

Bless our yard where spiders pass

Fire ant castles in the grass.

Bless the garage, a home to please

Beetles, scorpions, ticks and fleas.

Bless the love bugs, two by two,

The gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you.

Millions of creatures that fly or crawl,

In Texas , Lord, you've put them all!!

But this is home, and here we'll stay,

So thank you Lord, for insect spray.

 
 
 
 

YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN TEXAS IN JULY WHEN. . . .

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

The trees are whistling for the dogs...

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You can make sun tea instantly.

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron..

The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.

You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car..

You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, 'What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?'

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

Ah, what a place to call home. .

 

 

God Bless The State of TEXAS !!!!!


 

 

98 % OF PEOPLE SAY, "OH, DARN!" BEFORE
GOING INTO THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD...

THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM TEXAS, AND THEY SAY,
"HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS!"

   

 

 To skip over TX towns info,
click armadillo, above.  
  

 

  Jes' Texas

 Pep, Texas 79353
Smiley, Texas 78159
Paradise, Texas 76073
Rainbow, Texas 76077
Sweet Home, Texas 77987
Comfort, Texas 78013
       Friendship, Texas 76530

 

 Love the sun?
Sun City, Texas 78628
Sunrise, Texas 76661
Sunset, Texas 76270
Sundown, Texas 79372
Sunray, Texas 79086
Sunny Side, Texas 77423

Want something to eat?

Bacon, Texas 76301
Noodle, Texas 79536
Oatmeal, Texas 78605
Turkey, Texas 9261
Trout, Texas 75789
Sugar Land, Texas 77479
Salty, Texas 76567
Rice, Texas 75155
Pearland, Texas 77581
Orange, Texas  77630

And top it off with:
Sweetwater, Texas 79556 


Why travel to other cities:  Texas has them all!

Detroit, Texas 75436
Cleveland, Texas 75436
Colorado City, Texas 79512
Denver City, Texas 79323
Klondike, Texas 75448
Pittsburg, Texas 75686
Newark, Texas 76071
Nevada, Texas 75173
Memphis, Texas 79245
Miami, Texas 79059
Boston, Texas 75570
Santa Fe, Texas 77517
Tennessee Colony, Texas 75861
Reno, Texas 75462
Pasadena, Texas 77506
Columbus, Texas  78934

Feel like traveling outside the country?

Athens, Texas 75751
Canadian, Texas 79014
China, Texas 77613
Dublin, Texas 76446
Egypt, Texas  77436
Ireland, Texas 76538
Italy, Texas 76538
Turkey, Texas 79261
London, Texas 76854
New London, Texas 75682
Paris, Texas 75460
Palestine, Texas 75801


No need to travel to Washington, D.C.

Whitehouse, Texas 75791

We even have a city named after our planet!

Earth, Texas 79031

 

 We have a city named after our state

Texas City, Texas  77590



Exhausted?

Energy, Texas 76452


Cold?

Blanket, Texas 76432
Winters, Texas 79567



Like to read about history?


Santa Anna, Texas 76878
Goliad, Texas 77963
Alamo, Texas 78516
Gun Barrel City, Texas 75156
Robert Lee, Texas 76945

Need office supplies?

Staples, Texas 78670


Want to go into outer space?

Venus, Texas 76084
Mars, Texas 79062


You guessed it.  It's on the state line.

Texline, Texas 79087


For the kids...

Kermit, Texas  79745
Elmo, Texas 75118
Nemo, Texas 76070
Tarzan, Texas 79783
Winnie, Texas  77665
Sylvester, Texas 79560



Other city names to make you smile.....

Frognot, Texas 75424
Bigfoot, Texas 78005
Hogeye, Texas 75423
Cactus, Texas 79013
Notrees, Texas 79759
Best, Texas 76932
Veribest, Texas 76886
Kickapoo, Texas 75763
Dime Box, Texas 77853
Telephone, Texas 75488
Telegraph, Texas 76883
Whiteface, Texas 79379
Twitty, Texas 79079


And last but not least, the Anti-Al Gore City

Kilgore, Texas 75662


And special favorites...

Cut and Shoot, Texas 77303
Gun Barrel City, Texas 75147
Ding Dong, Texas
West, Texas (it's in Central Texas)

and, of course,
Muleshoe, Texas 79347

 

 

 
Rules for Yankees who move to
 

 

1. Save all manner of bacon grease.  You will be
     instructed later how to use it.

2. If you forget a Texan's name, refer to him
    (or her) as "Bubba."  You have a 75% chance
    of being  right.

3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does
    not mean we can.  Stay home the 2 days of the
     year it snows.

4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. 
    Four men in the cab of a 4-wheel drive with a
    12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along 
    shortly.  Don't try to help them.  Just stay out
     of their way.  This is what they live for.

5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait
     in the same store.

6. Do not buy food at the movie store.

7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth
      cookin', let alone eatin'.

8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular.  "All y'all" is
     plural.  "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

9. The first Texas expression to creep into a trans-
    planted Yankee's vocabulary is the adjective "big
     ol'," as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy."  Eighty-
    five per cent begin their new Texas-influenced
    dialect with this expression.  One hundred per
     cent are in denial about it.

10.  The proper pronunciation you learned in school
       is no longer proper.

11. Be advised: The "He needed killin' " defense is
     valid here.

12. Tornadoes and Texans going through a divorce
      have a lot in common.  In either case, you
      know someone is going to lose a trailer.

13. In Texas churches you will hear the hymn, All
    Glory
, Laud and Honor.  You will also hear ex-
    pressions such as, "Laud, have mercy," "Good
     Laud," and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy."

14. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around
     here, are you?"

 

 
 

 


A Texas Cow Wash

 

 Stupid Texas Laws

 

 

 

 


 * When 2 trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.

* One city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot w/o first obtaining a special $5 permit.

* It is illegal to take more than 3 sips of beer at a time while standing.

* It is illegal to drive w/o windshield wipers.  You don't need a windshield, but you must have the wipers.

* It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.

* It is illegal to milk another person's cow.

* A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.

 

* The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.

Beaumont
Collegiate football is banned at Lamar University.

Clarendon
It is illegal to dust any public building with a feather duster.

El Paso
Churches, hotels, halls of assembly, stores, markets, banking rooms, railroad depots, and saloons are required to provide spittoons "of a kind and number to efficiently contain expectorations into them."

Houston
Beer may not be purchased after midnight on a Sunday, but it may be purchased on Monday.

Mesquite
It is illegal for children to have unusual haircuts.

Port Arthur
Obnoxious odors may not be emitted while in an elevator.

San Antonio
It is illegal for both sexes to flirt or respond to flirtation using the eyes and/or hands.  It is illegal to urinate on the Alamo.

Temple
No one may ride a horse and buggy through the town square.  You can ride your horse in the saloon.

Texarkana
Owners of horses may not ride them at night without  tail lights.

  

 

  

 

  

 

 


Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Texas
You may live in Texas if.....

-someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there.
-you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time.

-you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number.
- "vacation" means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend.

-you measure distance in hours.

-you know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

-you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them.
-the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody's passing you

-you find 60 degrees 'a little chilly.'

-you actually understand these jokes, and share them with all your Texas friends, you definitely live in Texas.

 


 

 Here are some little-known, very interesting facts about Texas

1. Beaumont to El Paso: 742 miles

2. Beaumont to Chicago: 770 miles

3. El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas.

4. World's first rodeo was in Pecos, July 4, 1883.

5. The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North
America built over water.  Destroyed by Hurricane Ike - 2008!

6. The Heisman Trophy was named after John Wm. Heisman who was the first full-time coach at Rice University in Houston.

7. Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North America.

8. Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of No. America's only remaining flock of whooping cranes.

9. Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978.

10. The worst natural disaster in U.S. history was in 1900, caused by a hurricane in which over 8,000 lives were lost on Galveston Island.

11. The first word spoken from the moon, July 20, 1969, was "Houston," but the Space Center was actually in Clear Lake City at the time.

12. King Ranch in So. Texas is larger than Rhode Island.

13. Tropical Storm Claudette brought a U.S. rainfall record of 43" in 24 hours in and around Alvin in July, 1979.

14. Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY, (known as the Constitution of 1845 by the Republic of Texas to enter the Union) instead of by annexation.  This allows the Texas flag to fly at the same height as the U.S. flag and may divide into 5 states.

15. A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 1500 years old.

16. Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state.

17. Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885.  There is no period in Dr Pepper.

18.  Texas has had six capital cities: Harrisburg, Galveston, Valasco, West Columbia, Washington-on-the Brazos and Austin.

19. The Capitol dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S. which is taller than the Capitol building in Washington, DC (by 7 feet).

20 The San Jacinto Monument is the tallest free-standing monument in the world and is taller than the Washington Monument.

21. The name 'Texas' comes from the Hasini Indian word 'tejas,' meaning friends.  Tejas is not Spanish for Texas.

22. The State Mascot is the armadillo.  They always have 4 babies.  They have one egg, which splits into 4, and they either have 4 males or 4 females.

23. The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston.

 

     Cowboy's Ten Commandments
       posted at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie, Texas

 
 

 


1) Just one God
2) Honor yer Ma & Pa
3) No tellin' tales or gossipin'
4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting
5) Put nothin' before God
6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal
7) No killin'
8) Watch yer mouth
9) Don't take what ain't yers
10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff

 
 

 

 

 

 


 


After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
 

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists, finding a 200-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, a local newspaper in Texas reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Maypearl, Texas, Bubba Jones, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.  Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless."

Just makes you proud to live in Texas, don't it?

 

 

 

 Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth.



Texas Ice Cream Truck
Just how hot is it in Marshall today?

 

    Click to play this Smilebox slideshow   

Ya'll git all that?

 

 

 

Ya'll stay tuned for more, as soon as my typin' fingers quit a-hurtin'