Marshall High School
Fractured Fax
More of life's insanities ~ Thanks, Jimmy Lyle! 9-8-22
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Outgoing mail
Dog Shaming
Next time, read the instructions that come with the dog kit ~
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WHAT YOUR FAVE ICE CREAM FLAVOR
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STRAWBERRY
MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP
CHOCOLATE CHIP
FUNNY PRACTICAL JOKES ON YOUTUBE
FIVE TIPS FOR A WOMAN
1. It is important that a man helps you around the
house & has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on &
doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you & spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know
each other.
Other than that this is the funniest thing on the Internet, it has no purpose whatsoever. Just watch it & laugh; then watch it & laugh again.
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CAT ~ the other white meat
(just kidding, Nancy)
FRACTURED FAX 1-12-12
My IQ test came back negative.
FRACTURED FAX 12-4-11
Age doesn't matter unless you're a cheese.
FRACTURED FAX 8-8-11
To see this in full screen, click on 4-arrow button, bottom-right of video.
FRACTURED FAX 8-1-11
Our Lives Explained in Graphs
Thanks, Sharon Pope Jones!
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FRACTURED FAX 5-22-11
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Amazingly Simple for Men
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FRACTURED FAX 4-28-11
Why don't sheep shrink
when it rains?
Why didn't Noah swat
those two mosquitoes?
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Catch a falling star........
and you're toast.
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FRACTURED FAX 3/25/11
RESISTANCE IS NOT FUTILE.
IT'S VOLTAGE DIVIDED BY CURRENT.
FRACTURED FAX 3/24/11
If you eat pasta, then eat
antipasto, are you still hungry?
FRACTURED FAX 3/23/11
ENGINEERING: Like math, but louder
FRACTURED FAX 2/20/11
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PUNS FOR REALLY SMART PEOPLE
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FRACTURED FAX 2/14/11
AN ALLEGED HISTORY OF VALENTINE'S DAY
Gather 'round, kids, and let me tell you the real story of this touchingly
sentimental day. Valentine's Day, it seems, goes back to the 5th
century. And what a century it was. There was something for everybody:
pillaging, torture racks, the occasional boiling of a pesky neighbor, and
outdoor sports -- like stoning.
It was around that time that those nutty Romans decided February
was the perfect month to practice a pagan celebration commemorating a
young man's rite of passage to the god Lupercus. Here's how it worked:
The names of all the village's teenage girls would be placed in a box,
and the young men would each draw a name. Kind of like large families
do when deciding who gives a gift to whom at Christmastime. But in this
case, surprise! the girls were the gifts, and each was assigned to the
young man who had chosen her name as a sexual partner for the whole
year. Think of it as computer dating without the soy latte.
But, alas, it seems that it was an imperfect system. The mating
selection process just didn't seem fair to the girls, all of whom suddenly
developed a chronic case of nighttime headaches. Enter the good pope
Celasius (an unfortunate pope name), who decided that the way to
change things was to change the names in the hat from the town
teenagers to saints. So, instead of partaking of a yearlong sex-ed lab
course, the town's teenage boys would just have to settle for emulating
their drawn saint. It was out with the pagan god Lupercus and in with a
saint of love.
And right before Celasius' eyes stood the good bishop Valentine. "I
got a gig for ya, Val," Celasius said. "You're gonna be the love saint."
Now, that didn't work out real well for Valentine. As the "love saint," he thought
marriage to be a good idea and began uniting couples without so much as drawing
a name out of a hat. And that's when Emperor Claudius came calling. Claudius
thought that married men made bad soldiers (and housekeepers, too, but I digress),
so he did the military thing: he banned marriage. Oh, and bad news for Valentine,
too --- Claudius condemned him to be stoned and beheaded. In no particular order.
But, this story has a happy ending. While Val was cooling his heels in prison
waiting to be dealt his punishment, he became involved with the daughter of the jailer
Asterius. Asterius' daughter was blind, but through the strength of his faith,
Valentine miraculously restored her sight. And just before his execution, he
handed her a farewell message that said, "From your Valentine."
Which makes for a far more touching story than if he'd said to her, "I just can't
take anymore of this --- I'm going out and get stoned."
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When a fella just can't take it any more!
(eggplant)
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Why men should not take messages:
FRACTURED FAX 12-28-10
Thanks, Johnny Crowell!
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The next 15 cartoons are brought to you courtesy
of that crazy Donna Brown Black (the girl can't even
make up her mind what color she is). Thanks, Donna !!
If you stare at this picture long enough,
you should be able to see a giraffe.
This is weird. Give it a try.
FRACTURED FAX 10-26-10
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Thanks, Barry! 29 LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
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FRACTURED FAX 10-23-10
With enough thrust, pigs can fly just fine!
FRACTURED FAX 10-22-10
How can you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
FRACTURED FAX 10-21-10
All those who believe in psychokinesis,
raise my hand.
Nothing Fractured about these Fax! The road of the
Future, Mavs! 19-21-19
FRACTURED FAX 8/24/10
EVER WONDER WHY....
* women can't put on mascara with their mouths closed?
* you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
* you have to click "Start" to stop Windows 98?
* lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid
is made with real lemons?
* the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
* there isn't a mouse-flavored catfood?
* who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
* Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
* they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
* they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the
indestructible black box?
* sheep don't shrink when it rains?
AND....
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping."
(DARN, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside."
(the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(thanks for the tip)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
(whew! that was close!)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
(yeah, but it saves time...)
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication."
(We could really reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just
get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and I'm taking this for....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor
use only."
(as opposed to......)
On Sundsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
(news flash)
On an American Airlines package of nuts: "Instructions:
Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3, maybe fly Delta?)
FRACTURED FAX 8/12/10
How Fairy Tales Really End, Scene 1
This is not my fault. It's Pat Bailey's.
CINDERELLA
T
How Fairy Tales Really End, Scene 2
More of Pat's insanity--
M
How Fairy Tales Really End, Scene 3
Who's in charge of Pat today?
FRACTURED FAX 8/17/10
HOW FAIRY TALES REALLY END, Scene 4
THE LITTLE MERMAID
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HOW FAIRY TALES REALLY END, Scene 5
BELLE (BEAUTY & THE BEAST)
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HOW FAIRY TALES REALLY END, Scene 6
Sleeping Beauty
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HOW FAIRY TALES REALLY END, Scene 7
Jasmine (Aladdin)
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HOW FAIRY TALES REALLY END, Scene 8
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Thanks, Donna!
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I like cats. I just can't eat a whole
one by myself.
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Ok, so what is the speed of dark?
FRACTURED FAX 7/20/10
AND NOW, MAVS, A HISTORY LESSON.....
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FRACTURED FAX 6/23/10
Life boils down
to 2 questions...
1. Should I get a dog.....?
OR...
2.. Should I have children?
FRACTURED FAX 6/21/10
FRACTURED FAX 6/11/10
Thanks, Pat!
WHY TEACHERS DRINK... (under construction) 9-8-22)
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(Thanks, Pat!)
FRACTURED FAX 5/28/10
This picture is only for HALF of you out there:
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AND DONT'T DRINK AND SPELL!
FRACTURED FAX 5/4/10
SO..... IF WE DON'T WALK OR DRIVE, WE'RE HOME FREE?
FRACTURED FAX 5/2/10
Uh....... ok.....
FRACTURED FAX 5/1/10
FRACTURED FAX 4/30/10
FRACTURED FAX 4/29/10
Another belief of mine: that everyone
else my age is an adult, whereas
I am merely in disguise.
Margaret Atwood
FRACTURED FAX 4/18/10
4/7/10
We would like to congratulate Rick(y) Stauts on becoming the
100th member of the '65 MHS website. To celebrate his
new exalted status, Rick will be sent C.O.D. the entire
contents of Mr. Ross's file cabinet, including every used
mimeograph stencil he ever made! The best to you, Rick,
and welcome aboard!
FRACTURED FAX 4/15/10
FRACTURED FAX 4/14/10
- WALKING THE DOG
- A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco .
- Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way.
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would
reboard in 50 minutes.
- Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The
man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was
blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats
in front of her throughout the entire flight.
- He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the
pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and
stretch your legs?'- The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to
stretch his legs.'
- Picture this:
- All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when
they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing
Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.- People scattered. They not only tried to change planes,
- but they were trying to change airlines!
- True story... Have a great day and remember...
- THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR. ..........
- A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!!
- Save the Earth. It is the only planet with chocolate!!!!!!
THANKS, PAT BAILEY
FRACTURED FAX FOR TUES. 4/7/10
HEAVEN IS WHERE:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French, and
It's all organized by the Swiss.
HELL IS WHERE:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss, and
It's all organized by the Italians.
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FRACTURED FAX FOR FRI. 4/2/10 (Easter)
EASTER ISLAND BUNNIES
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I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.
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Well, they could start with spelling....
FRACTURED FAX 2/27/10
Aw, c'mon, just one?
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Just once, wouldn't you like to see this?
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THE REUNION
A group of 40-year-old buddies discuss where they should meet
for their reunion dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should
meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the
waitresses there wear low-cut blouses.
Ten years later, at 50 years of age, the group again pools
their thoughts and discuss where they should meet. Finally it
is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof
zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine
selection is also good..
Ten years later, at 60 years of age, the group again
decides to discuss where they should meet. Finally it
is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum
Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet
and the restaurant is smoke free.
Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group again
discusses where they should meet for reunion dinner. Finally
it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum
Lowen because the restaurant is wheelchair accessible,
and they even have an elevator.
Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group again
discusses where they should meet. Finally it is agreed
upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen
because that would be a great idea because they have
never been there before.
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
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On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
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At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."
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On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
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On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
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On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
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At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
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On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
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In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on
fire and take appropriate action."
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On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
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At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've
come to the right place."
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On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
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On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
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At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a
car payment."
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Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
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At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
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In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
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At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
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And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
Sign on the back of another Septic Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it
starves to death. (Creepy.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the
male's head off.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human
jumping the length of a football field.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
than left-handed people.
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
A cat's urine glows under a black light..
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Starfish have no brains.
Polar bears are left-handed.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex
for pleasure.
Finding Work
1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,
but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just
couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it --
mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that
was too exhausting.
5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice
to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.
6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way
I sliced it... couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found
I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't
have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but
just didn't fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered
I couldn't live on my net income.
11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance
Company, but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I
wasn't fit for the job..
13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got
a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because
it was the same old grind.
15. SO, I TRIED Retirement AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
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